jetlagged, alone, and lonely.

After being in the sky for the last long 9 hrs and those times that were consumed for its preparations, it is just quite ridiculous for anyone to refuse a long, good night sleep. I am really exhausted yet I am doing my best in turning down the idea of going to bed for I would just be reminded of my family and the fvcking distance that separates me from them.

The moment I unlocked the key to our bedroom, I just immediately dissolved in tears. Obviously, these emotions were too sick of being repressed and so like a balloon over-filled with Helium, I, too, burst out in a similar manner.

Our room stayed the way it was 21 days ago. Traces of rushed preparations could still be seen thou the warmth of having a company no longer exist. It only took seconds until i was totally overwhelmed by my new condition.

I lie in my bed, all cold and all alone. I always knew that separation from your loved-ones would be tough but I never imagined things to hurt this way, to be this hard. And now, as I seek refuge from pouring my heart out here in blogspot, silence seems to be excruciatingly piercing me as ever. Strange but I cant dismiss the truth that I miss my parents’s constant nagging and the noisy chatter from the television show my brother is addicted of.

My eyes is now blood-shot from weeping in the hope that the act itself would somehow ease every feeling that’s weighing me down and every thought that’s troubling me. Now that I have to learn how to live by just my own, in the land which sadly, seems to be so foreign and aloof, I need every source of courage that I could get.

PROCRASTINATION AT ITS BEST.

Kung tutuusin, matagal ko na sanang tapos tong mga requirements namin lalong lalo na at walang solving, walang equations, walang numbers. All that you have to equip with you is your thoughts and your writing skills. And knowing that writing is something that I enjoy to do the most, I can't see any trouble coming in my way.

But I guess I looked down to the situation too low. I forgot to consider those distractions and my bad traits that are attached to it. Instead of indulging myself to the world where my emotions and opinions creatively form a fruit from my labour, I can find myself wasting hours and days, switching from one tab to another. Laziness, procrastination, with the strong mix of internet addiction. Indeed a fruitless weekend, that is.

And no matter how my conscious brain command my entire being to gather up myself and to start in being productive, I still always take the same path to procrastination and cramming.

I really just hate it. How in the name of Merlin’s beard could I expect myself to be a RN., MD someday if simple tasks such as this keep on being delayed? Nothing is impossible, I know. But if my performance would be rated for this sem, my dream of becoming a Dean’s lister is totally incongruous.

I became too happy-go-lucky. I lack a lot in prioritizing, time management and self-discipline. Oh well, consequences are already there, all ready to welcome me. I may be incapable of changing the past but I could surely change myself, can’t I?

And I will. I really will, starting next sem. *PROCRASTINATION, AGAIN* But as of now, gaaaaaah! Just one more replay of SuJu’s Super Man MV, please? :3

Now please tell me HOW.

I'am trying not to dwell much on that melodiously sweet moment. Because no, never will I allow any piece of him to manipulate my attention and my heartbeat ever again. After all of my efforts in diverting my uncontrollable emotions, I just cant take it to watch as my walls to be broken down and be trespassed by his memories for a second time around. I have to be firm and rooted safely to where I stand and to not to permit his confusing actions to sweep me off my feet for once more.

I cant even dare to recall of that time for surely once I've started, to stop would be my biggest dilemma. But oh gosh, how could I not? How am I supposed to block him out... When he is all I want to think about?

AMBIVALENCE(n):

- The state of having simultaneous, sometimes conflicting feelings towards something-like feeling happy and sad at the same time.

I am happy, really happy that semestral break is nearly there and just more few obstacles and I'll be flying back to Saudi Arabia, to be finally ceased from all of exertion and be refreshed in every way. Thou in prior to my anticipations are fear and sadness. Opposition of feelings is present and I just don't like how it feels. I may have typed this thing for a million of times already, but the pain doesn't even seem to waver. Having the awareness that we, BSN1-2, will be reshuffled next sem somehow decreases my overall happiness for the ending of the first sem. :'(

Chances aren't that high for us to be united in a one section again for the second sem. As of now, we only have 2 days left. I don't know what to feel anymore. Part of me is already all sore from yelling and complaining about all of the stress and pressure but the other half still wants to cling more to every second.

There's only one thing for sure. That I'll forever be truly, madly and crazily in love with my college first loves. <8

A Paddling Project to my Personality

The times that I’m having a very strong urge to write could never be numbered. As a matter of fact, a pen and papers, yes, hundred reams of it, are always there, calling and yelling and screaming out of the way I disregard them. I always wanted to write down my everyday life but what I fear is that I’ll come to a point when I start to over-analyze things, again. Writing feels inexplicably wonderful and next to eating, it is personally in my list of the things that I love and enjoy to do the most. To become a well-known writer is my ultimate dream but how could I if I cant even face and cherish the wonders of every emotions that I have?

To this, I propose a preliminary action. In the strictest sense, no day has to pass without a blog entry about it. I have to be open about myself and start to entertain my thoughts more. I have to befriend and get to know myself more and more as day pass by. It is of massive importance for the Implementation of this idea to start NOW.

If there's something I'am totally certain about,

it is that well, as obvious as it is, I may act like a stupid, headless chicken, but no, I beg you to assess your point of view again, 'Cuz I'am not. Or atleast, not as stupid as how you patronize and degrade me.

Clearly, I do a lot of crazy stuffs more often than anyone who have a decent respect for one's reputation do. I may yell and sing my heart out all the time, dance out of the rhythm, to go and mess up with anything but oh dear! How could you ever dictate to anyone the receipt for their own happiness? How could you ever stop a person from doing a thing if her own pleasure is at stake?

Believe me, the times that I've tried to behave and to be normal was already countless. I've tried so hard, I've put as much effort as I could to accomplish that mission but tragically, I always end up cracking in laughter. For how could I not? If for every second there's a person who'd come up to you and say, "Bigla ka atang tumahimik? Anong nangyari sayo Jam? Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka.", "Uyyyy, ano nga? Bakit nga? Anong nangyari sayo?" And take it from me, it is like the whole world has suddenly sympathize with you after they've discovered you have a fatal brain cancer. And it is all just so funny thus making my objectives of being a Maria Clara-like fruitless.

Since I was a kid, I've already been known as someone who can't stay long seating and doing nothing all day. My parents even reckon that I might be an athlete someday for my endless energy for running and climbing up. I love laughing and being happy and putting as much color to my world. And up to the present, things seem to haven't change a bit.  I still am what I was before and I guess, will forever be. In this way, I've learned to live without the complex reality fogging up my multihued vision.

I know that the day would come that my life, all what I've done and didn't, would flash before me. Presently, all that I regret is those things that I held back myself from doing. And not to mention, I also regret those times that I'm having regrets.

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

For those people I've been with with my run, you all know how I deeply cherish you. And for those who'd like to be part of it, and who'd accept me for the way I am, I welcome you with my open arms :)
  
"Laugh as much as you breathe and love"

NOTE TO SELF.

I suppose you already know very well what await to those who expect. Uh-uh. You got it right. More likely nothing but the excruciating displeasure and distress. Jam, I don't want to, I hate to see you to end up with disappointment, AGAIN. So as early as of now, please, with all of the effort that you could exert, never allow yourself to be bruised and battered all just because  *insert noun here*

The only thing that I allow you is to muse and daydream about it. Yes, I permit you with all of the guaranteed butterflies and fireworks those activity comes with. From there, I draw the line. Darling, I do this because I care for you. And if you care for yourself too, I'm down on my knees, begging you please, to never take things such as this seriously ever again.